"Eros always leads to Psyche..." (Moore)
"how to analogise the dream I've had for the past year? -
I ask myself - what is he like??
He's like Pan;
dirty, dark, smelly and sexy
He's like Jesus;
only he won't die
and he won't be coming back
He's like me;
but with balls and a job and social life
He doesn't exist; he forces me to see how much I create in my mind. He's never the same person twice;he forces me to see how much I change.
He isn't the man I think he is (and I'm not either)
"how to analogise the dream I've had for the past year? -
I ask myself - what is he like??
He's like Pan;
dirty, dark, smelly and sexy
He's like Jesus;
only he won't die
and he won't be coming back
He's like me;
but with balls and a job and social life
He's too-hot water; a take-away dinner I didn't order and have to pay for; a dress that doesn't fit (something like I would have made for myself when I was learning to sew); he's a stranger grabbing at my belly and asking me if I've got another baby coming; he's a dog, fox, wolf, dingo - other wild things I cannot love that scare me except in symbolic form, in idea, in imagination... he's like Mephistopheles too... asking too much for only bad things in return...
He doesn't exist; he forces me to see how much I create in my mind. He's never the same person twice;he forces me to see how much I change.
He isn't the man I think he is (and I'm not either)
...but for some reason it hurts me so much not to love him and imagine him as every bit as wonderful as I want him to be. It hurts me in my chest; deep ache, burn, stab.
I don't know what to do about it, what am I supposed to do about it? How can I move this out of my body, out of my mind? How can I make space for anyone else while every bit of me is consumed by this weirdness? Its in my blood stream, pumping through all of me. "
(August 18, 2007; paper journal entry)
I don't know what to do about it, what am I supposed to do about it? How can I move this out of my body, out of my mind? How can I make space for anyone else while every bit of me is consumed by this weirdness? Its in my blood stream, pumping through all of me. "
(August 18, 2007; paper journal entry)
I remember turning to my soul sister in 2001 as we were walking along the street and asking her 'What will it take for me to not love him any more' ... and 7 years on, I still dont know the answer.
ReplyDeleteSince then I have met Dave, born him a child, been dashed on the rocks of motherhood and been born anew like the phoenix..
I've had the seven year psychic string cut (with accompanying dream) and still he hangs on. Even though I sorted out last year what part we were to play in each others lives - to save each other from the unhappiness we'd found ourselves in, but not to love in this life (we met during Venus Retro in Leo in 1999).
So I dont know if I have the answer to your question and seeings your posting again six+ months on - I'm guessing you dont.
I'd never talk about these things with anyone else much ... I have a couple of close confidantes but it feels wrong ...
I opened my year by sitting on the back balcony typing an email to him as the sun was coming up - so much for a year without him. And of course no reply. Dont even know if he read it.
By the way - your prose is so raw and beautiful ... there is definitely something incredibly special and magical about your writing (even those rambling mumblings in your paper journal!)
So - oh wise one - does the Venus/Pluto conjunction bring for us??
I've done it again - there's a small award of sorts over on my blog for you. No needs to actually do what it instructs - but wanted you to know that I believe your words and your blog are powerful and deserve recognition!
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing about your love retrograde Jodi, I hope its less and less painful for you.
ReplyDeleteas for the answer, there is one - and that is just to love and accept that things are the way they are. The rest of it - believing in the faerie tale about how 'he doesn't love/want/need/desire/take care of me' and 'we can't be together/won't work out/aren't right' is what keeps it painful, for me anyway. My cure is to love myself more, to 'be together' with me, and close the gap between the 'other' and my own needs by taking care of them, from here.
thank you, too, for the positive feedback on my writing - when I opened my journal to this I was quite shocked that I'd written it. Its always a shock to me when I go back over old writings!
As for Venus-Pluto - for you this is in your ninth house, so I suggest all your changes and reborn power will come to rest on something relating to the ninth house - publishing, philosophy, travel, higher education etc.
for me, its the seventh house - and already I can see that I'm learning something important and have lost a layer that kept me from truly loving anyone.
d xx
ps Jodi - just noticed where this conjunction is happening in your chart and its with your NOrth Node and Part of Fortune - whoa. I'm intrigued as to what can happen - it will be very good, whatever it is!
ReplyDeleteWell I will be interested to see as well - seeings it sounds like something good.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep you posted (and thanks for being my own personal astrologer)
Im utterly hoping for something good - tomorrow?? I've had another day of, well, 'stuff' with my family - an uncle that I basically have little to do with, emailed me to tell me what a terrible person I am for publishing what I did about my sister, that he's always thought there was something strange about me, and that he's glad that he 'wiped me as a neice years ago'. Rather fantastic you could say.
ReplyDeleteSo a little good fortune and rebirth wouldn't go astray.
I'm thinking of legally changing my name but don't want to upset my Dad as he's the last remaining vestige of my family who hasn't had a go at me yet (he's been very noticeably absent from the blow up and I imagine that he would be pretty upset with what his brother wrote to me today!)
thankfully the lovely Annie kept me from plunging too deeply into the abyss of myself.
I'm grateful that each time someone tries to knock me down, I'm getting back up again and continuing (in my ever stubborn manner) to not back down. I will be reworking those articles and I will be reposting them as current articles so that people do read them.
Anyway - sorry for blurting stuff out on your blog!!