trickster's past

from my paper journal:

January 15. Moon in Aries, Mercury sextile Venus (natal)

the car won't start
my phone tells me I have a connection failure - to check my settings.

life is never strange anymore.

Craig tells me I'm a brat - same as Edi and Alice (does that mean he 'loves me the best' too?)

I know I'm a brat - I love being a brat! I'll always be a BRAT!

why would I want to be anything other than what I am - exactly as I am?

I've been to the plastic surgeon to see about my plastic parts. He tells me I'm not as bad as I think. HA! I'm exactly as bad as I think.

I'm only ever what I think at one time or another.

I AM.

But I won't have to wait long now.

(and I may have turned into one of those people who sits in cafes staring at everyone strangely)

so, nothing.

more mercury retrograde...

from my paper journal:

June 29, 2007

Who wants to know about me? Want to hear a story - a story about a woman sitting at her desk writing? Writing and wondering about that story - what to write - what's the true story?

The Alchemical Psychologist says that all stories, all histories, are fictions. By the time we recall events from memory they've changed from travelling all those dark corridors in the mind.

Even the brightest minds can trick things around.

What's more, our perception of events is always coloured by our ways of perceiving - our thoughts and beliefs.

Coloured!

My mother always told me I had my father's duck-shit eyes. Imagine that. I've gone through most of my life seeing things through duck-shit eyes.

These days I prefer to think I'm looking out at the world through amber-flecked green or at the very least murky-pond...

My point is; no matter what story - its a fiction. I'll tell you! It might be beautiful, it could be dark and twisted, but it won't be the truth.

bibliomancy for pluto's ingress to capricorn

"...given this unconscious paranoia, there will be a need for a projected fantasised enemy and fantastical defences against the fantasised enemy. Situations will always be valued by constructs of strength and weakness, winning and losing. Demand for unconditional surrender and the fear of it will be paramount, Treaties based on compromise will be all but impossible to negotiate. .." (Hillman, 'paranoia' p49)

For the first time one of my 'bibiomancies' actually comes across as prophecy. Its a bit dire, but then again we are talking about Pluto here. Planet or not, the Lord of the Underworld isn't exactly subtle.

And speaking of that - the downgrading of Pluto from planet to dwarf or whatever - doesn't it seem like a sign of the times? Come to think of it, not only does this world seem to want to diminish the devil, hell, evil and darkness aka shadow, it appears to do so in line with the public declaration of the Sun as being dangerous, risky, something we must protect ourselves against. A backlash against God/dess and downplaying the power of His/Her counterpart... interesting.

So, paranoia - well, this isn't exactly news, afterall we are in the midst of a 'war on terror' which pivots upon the assumption that there is a threat. We have 'baddies' so we can feel 'good'... there's someone out there threatening our 'freedom' and we must seek it out at all costs, invade a few countries if we must, and damn the consequences. We will reign down terror until all the Terrorists die. Insane.

Well, that's a macrocosmic viewpoint - what about the microcosmic events of our everyday lives? How many times do we demonise the 'other' in our midst?

"You must be wrong so that I can be right" is a common standpoint, as if there isn't room enough for rightness or wrongness on both sides. As if only one way is the way that's acceptable. Monotheistic. Dualistic (is that the correct term?).

And, as there is no outer event that is not also inner - on macro and microcosmic levels - we are only harming ourselves - our 'earth' or matter - the stuff we are made of - has got to suffer.

If Pluto into Capricorn means that we can finally own the terror, fear, paranoia and fantasies of 'other', then maybe the planet (this one, the one we live on) has a chance.

bibliomancy for a Venus - Pluto Conjunction

"Eros always leads to Psyche..." (Moore)

"how to analogise the dream I've had for the past year? -

I ask myself - what is he like??

He's like Pan;
dirty, dark, smelly and sexy

He's like Jesus;
only he won't die
and he won't be coming back

He's like me;
but with balls and a job and social life

He's too-hot water; a take-away dinner I didn't order and have to pay for; a dress that doesn't fit (something like I would have made for myself when I was learning to sew); he's a stranger grabbing at my belly and asking me if I've got another baby coming; he's a dog, fox, wolf, dingo - other wild things I cannot love that scare me except in symbolic form, in idea, in imagination... he's like Mephistopheles too... asking too much for only bad things in return...

He doesn't exist; he forces me to see how much I create in my mind. He's never the same person twice;he forces me to see how much I change.

He isn't the man I think he is (and I'm not either)

...but for some reason it hurts me so much not to love him and imagine him as every bit as wonderful as I want him to be. It hurts me in my chest; deep ache, burn, stab.

I don't know what to do about it, what am I supposed to do about it? How can I move this out of my body, out of my mind? How can I make space for anyone else while every bit of me is consumed by this weirdness? Its in my blood stream, pumping through all of me. "

(August 18, 2007; paper journal entry)