five ways to parent with soul, part one

'pelican blood' d sinclair all rights reserved '08

There's a billboard outside the primary school I pass on my daily travels and for the past few weeks it has displayed this;


challenge for the day - find something good in your child


I don't know about you but the idea that its a challenge to find good in a child worries me. It reminds me of The One Minute Manager that I had to read when I worked for the Gap years ago. 'Find something good in your staff, and praise them for it', is how it went, along the lines of how to win friends and influence people and the like.

This billboard doesn't challenge anyone that far, so I guess its not about kid productivity levels or morale. But as I pass it, even in heavy traffic, it seems apparent that parents might need to see their kids - and parenting itself - differently.

So I'm offering some suggestions on how to parent with soul, that is, with acceptance of all its parts, good and bad.

1. Surrender. Yes, you read that right - give up the idea that you're in control and that everything will go according to your ideas of how it 'should'. Babies cry for no reason, toddlers poke things in the CD player and preschoolers swear in front of people you want to impress. Teenagers mumble. Some of them do none of these things. Children do as they do; that is the nature of the beast. Rules do not apply, so throw out the 'what to expect' book.

Boundaries, on the other hand, teach kids and parents how to be safe and to navigate life - and its up to us parents to see the difference between a reasonable boundary and a dumb veto that's making all concerned crazy. Telling a toddler 'no darling, daddy's watch doesn't belong in the bin' is crazy-making (ask my friend who lost a few watches); moving the bin, the watch and the kid out of range of each other is a reasonable boundary.

Or maybe the kid has a point?

The little darlings want to try out everything they see you do (perhaps - who knows for sure what their reasons are?) and have no idea of the value of a Rolex, until we drum it into them. But they do know the value of time together, just playing and making general mayhem.

So stop trying to fit the kid in around your life - for every one's sake - that's all over now. Better to concentrate on your own self control, and teach by example.

Rearrange your house, rearrange your life. Be prepared to at the very least. Trust me on this - by surrendering control, you gain peace.

2. Be still. Stop trying to 'fix' your kids, your parenting or your life. You can't make everything perfect for your kids, you can't make your kids perfect for your life, and you are the parent you are no more and no less.

Every heroic action creates a victim, every martyr creates an oppressor. I see so much solar parenting around me that its no wonder there's a greenhouse effect. Ah, OK, its a 'hothouse' effect - close enough - my point is that we could do a lot better by allowing our kids to have their own failures and teaching them to forgive themselves.

While we are at it we can allow our own parenting 'mistakes' (if there is such a thing - and here we can throw that damn book of expectations again) and let our children see that we are human,imperfect and lovable.

And, you know, your children are great the way they are anyway - complete with mumbling and 'bad' grades and black nail polish. Who says they should be any different? (aim that book at them, whoever they are!)

Last year my family grew, and we all had some growing pains. My fourteen year old daughter, eldest of five, started having conflict with teachers at school; her grades dropped and she seemed like the weight of the world was upon her, like nothing mattered, like she just 'didn't care'.

In this situation the only thing I could change was myself - my thinking. I knew I cared and could do with lightening up.

The school teachers started calling me and asking me how to 'get through to her' and then, later in the year, asking me to 'do something about her'.

"I have faith in her" I told them.
"I've delegated the task of sorting this out to her" I reassured them.
"I'm doing the best I can, and so is she. Please be patient." I tried, when that wasn't the result they expected.
"Stop relating to my kid like she's an animal that needs to be tamed!" I finally blurted. Actually I put that one in writing.

I do have complete faith in her, whether she improves her grades or not. She's not a performing monkey, she's a person. I've always maintained that there's no point in making kids miserable so that 'one day' they can 'make it' in the world. I want mine to be happy and true to themselves now, and because of this I love her even more when she is 'acting out'.

Anyway, she found her own way, with my full support, and she's fine. Only a few weeks ago her teachers called me to say how great it is to see the kid doing so well.


So what I'm getting at is that we are doing too much - we as parents have some kind of compulsion for taking action - just stop. Stop that right now! (I'm waggling a finger at you)

Stop doing. Let life unfold as it will and have faith that everything is how it must be, because it is.

(more soon)

at peace with the present

'its so quiet when they're asleep' d sinclair 2008 all rights reserved

Be warned, this is all about me.

Some of you who know me are aware that in a few days it'll be my birthday and that I've spent the past week or so in quiet contemplation of what this means.

I'm not really a party person but I do usually like to celebrate the turn of another wheel with some kind of ritual or another. This year, I suppose, will be no different - except that I've made no plans at all and, well, I don't plan to make any. Which, yes, is just silly.

Maybe I'll be spontaneous for once. I can be spontaneous. Really.

Well alright. I'm actually a little funkier than is reasonable about having a birthday - and I tell you its most definitely not because for the first time I realise I'm not a young woman anymore. No sir-ee.

I'm not looking in the mirror for wrinkles and sagging and greys (although they are there). Something has happened to me over the past twelve months or so and I no longer see myself in the same way. I see myself as a person who has something to offer the world, not someone who is waiting for the world to show her what's, well, on offer. I don't look for what others might see of me either.

I think its good to be older and wiser. I've never been more accepting of myself. I've passed the tidemark whereby I could get away with anything because I was somewhat cute and sexy. Now I'm now called on to have some substance - from within - to be something more.

And so why am I so blah about celebrating this year?

For one thing, true to my former, flakier self, I asked (and paid) an astrologer to look at my natal chart and do a forecast for the year. In the course of things this apparently required dredging through some murky past events that I'd rather leave in the murky depths. I've been down there and can honestly say I like it a whole lot better here where I am. (heavy sigh here)

So what if my whole history is still with me? I'm aware that I lived a lot of upheavals in my childhood, and that I will most likely always have a slight issue with being 'uprooted'. In defence of upheavals and up-rooted-ness, though, these once gave me the courage to travel alone to the other side of the world with nothing but a suitcase and the money in my pocket. (wow, what ever happened to that girl?) Many an adventure required that I transplant myself across borders and it never occurred to me that I couldn't.


I like that I have a so-called 'unstable' background. I do. I have no tribal conventions to tie me down and tell me how to live my life. My limitations and beliefs are my own. I fly my way, and love it. I'm free to make of myself what I will, and I do.

Well and truly gone are the days I tried to 'fit in' and let small minds tell me I need to improve myself and thus my fortune.

What am I being so grumpy about then? I am positively sulking. Not exactly grown up is it??

Hm. Could it be a wind of change I can feel? I think it is, and it has me spooked. No question about it I shouldn't have asked for that forecast either.

The distant past and the possible future - what have I done? Even if knowing what's in front of me helps me to steer my course or if understanding how I got to this point is reassuring, I can only deal with whatever's here and now.

And so this is where I am, staring out ahead of me, holding on to who I am, (with my big bad scary past and all those things I forgive myself for) shaking off a dream about change.

I still don't feel like going anywhere. But I trust that I'll be OK.

bibliomancy for venus-neptune

'ducks spoon' d sinclair '08 all rights reserved

"...Love is a kind of madness, Plato said, a divine madness. Today we talk about love as though it were primarily an aspect of relationship and also, to a great degree, as if it were something within our control. We're concerned about how to do it right, how to make it successful, how to overcome its problems and how to survive its failures.."

(Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul)

even birds have bad hair days

d sinclair all rights reserved 2008

and for a jupiter-mars-venus tangle

'will those birds just shut up?!' d sinclair all rights reserved '08

"King Mark's refusal to marry is an ominous symbol. In myth or dream the king's failure to take a queen and produce an heir symbolises a refusal of wholeness, a refusal to grow, a refusal of the destiny that comes in the form of a new child."

(Robert A Johnson on the myth of Tristan and Iseult, The Psychology of Romantic Love)

the most important thing you need to learn about alchemy

At the risk of really flying the freak flag high, I want to talk about alchemy. Because I notice, with growing irritation, that the word gets bandied about a lot these days. It seems to be a stand in for the once-cool but now over used descriptive term fusion.

Its not just the metaphysics crowd - I see it now in general fiction and even in commercial use. There's a trend, too, of using 'alchemy' in the title of books that have nothing to do with the subject. 'Sexual Alchemy', 'the Alchemy of Policy Making', 'Editorial Alchemy' 'Garden Alchemy' etc. (I'm rolling my eyes, if you can picture that)

And just lately there's been some discussion, in other parts of the blogoshpere, about alchemy and the practice of 'turning crap into gold', to which I occasionally pipe up in defence of the Work and it not involving any actual fecal matter, that I've ever heard of.

Too literal, I say, excuse me but alchemy is all metaphor and allegory and mystery-with-a-capital-M. No pooh, if you please.

Oh I know they are not talking about real shit either - its the flippancy that bothers me (hence my flippant tone now).

There's a general idea circulating about Alchemy that it involves madly and magically transforming things into gold. The archetypal Alchemist is an old man in a pointy hat, long white beard and dark robes, labouring to produce the impossible. An image arcane and laughable at once. Not quite a snake-oil merchant, but not far off.

Oh and the other idea is that alchemy is a long-dead science harking back to the reformation era origins of chemistry and other sciences. Which, OK, is sort of true, but is still only a part of the picture.

Truth told, I only have part of the picture myself, and I've been studying alchemy for about four years now. Its not a long time - men such as Isaac Newton and Carl Jung dedicated decades of their lives to it, so I am even lower than an apprentice.

Having been drawn to alchemy on a quest for insight into my own restlessness and dissatisfaction as a mother and woman in a world that often appears to appreciate neither - I've worked my way through many books and classes and performed my nigredo in drawing and other creative works and my life as a whole.

Along the way I've had a lot of arguments with sixty-something Freemasons, become frustrated with asking questions to which answers never came (or which I missed entirely); laughed at obscure, strange old texts (as I'm certain they were meant to be laughed at) written by Fraters with all-too-obvious Latin pseudonyms; puzzled over quantum mechanics and laws of the universe; and got my hands and face dirty grinding up antimony in the laboratory of two of the coolest people I've ever met, real alchemists.

I've learned meditation, astrology, qabala, sacred geometry, sacred languages - a plethora of sacred things. I've learned and relearned the meaning of the word esoteric and to stop talking, stop listening and believing my own thoughts - to stay still, and to contain myself. I learned the true meaning of disipline.

Most of all, though, I learned to embrace all things as being perfect according to their own nature.

And that's only the beginning of Alchemy as I understand it.

Yeah, its frustrating to see it all so trivialised, and more so because - and this is it, the most important thing - whatever anyone may think alchemy is they are right.

Bibliomancy for a scorpio full moon

'all things are as they should be' all rights reserved 08

"It is frightening to see how many people seek help for human expressions of aliveness, such as grief reactions to loss, overt expressions of anger, feelings of jealousy or frustration or stress. And it is especially frightening because I know that many therapists would give medication or even hospitalize these healthy people when an intensive period of attention and being listened to would accomplish much more." - Deldon Anne McNeely (Mercury Rising p.101)

it's only money - the love is what matters...

'Tenn'

Here's a letter sent to me today from a friend and reader - it really does add some truth to my previous post about living soulfully...

Dan...my kind neighbor and friend Todd gave me this pearl today after the following series of events:

1) found the stray hound dog I've been feeding and trying to coax into my car for the past month, on the side of the road, with a bad injury. Someone had run her over and not stopped to help her.
2) called Todd, as Jeff is away, and he carried the dog into my car and I drove her to the vet.
3) received a positive diagnosis and agreed to adopt the lovely girl after phone-conferencing with Jeff
4) payed $240 for the x-rays and exams on lovely dog
5) named her Clementine
6) vet discovered multiple spine fractures and suggested euthanising her
7) she died peacefully.

I am bereft for a dog I've known for 4 weeks - she was a beauty.

I wanted to share this with you for some reason - I think after reading your blog, I want to add something to it (dumb, 'cause it's YOUR blog!!).

Anyway, today, to me, living soulfully sometimes involves letting go of value. By this I mean that the value of money 'well spent' on a new thing, or 'wasted' on a stray dog, or comparing, adding up, finding opportunity costs, or putting a price on anything, is not soul-nourishing.

I found myself lamenting the loss of the $240 to the few people I told about my doomed dog-rescue, instead of saying how I really felt, which was sad and small and angry that a sweet young animal could be left for dead, especially after I'd tried for weeks to get her to my home. I was wrong to do that in an attempt to hide my sorrow.

Todd saw straight through my misdirected money rage and let me be as upset as I needed to be about the dog. After which I held his baby daughter Carly and wondered why I had to put a price on my feelings. Carly snuggled in and growled like a puppy when I put her down on her blanky and wandered back home to take my own sweet canine friend for a walk and a play at the park.

Tenn rests now on my bed, snorting softly in his sleep - and still manages to keep one eye on me as I write. What he's worth to my soul is impossible to add up.

Anyway, that was my day. Dogs and neighbors and friends and babies and good, kind people were all around me - and I don't care what my VISA statement says next month. It's only money.

bibliomancy for mercury sextile chiron

'you look more like a magpie these days' all rights reserved d sinclair 2008

"As long as you think you're white, I have to think I'm black" - James Baldwin

five ways to live soulfully

'because i can' all rights reserved d sinclair '08

Why are we always striving for improvement - to fix things about ourselves and our lives? Imagine what it would be like to fully accept the way things are with your self and your life, whatever your current state of affairs.

Here are five simple practices that are about soulful living - that is, being at peace with the present and with yourself.

1. Give yourself more fully to the little things that you do everyday - the dishes, making the bed, cooking meals; your daily tasks - even if you can't stand doing them anymore. Especially if you're tired of doing them. Do these things without thinking, without struggle and with care - paying attention to the doing and not the story of needing to do them. Practice it, one thing at a time.

This is your life and everything in it is important because each part is part of you.

2. Forgive yourself for something. Pay attention to that which you find hard to accept about yourself - if you want thin thighs, but you continue to have the thighs you have - forgive yourself for that; if you believe you should be kinder but find yourself sniping anyway, give yourself a break. Do this as often as you can.

Its OK to be who you are, exactly as you are.

3. Notice what's in your life. Look around where you are right now - take it all in. You created this scene, these people, things, experiences. Breathe it in and be grateful. See that your choices have brought you here and let go of ideas of 'good' or 'bad' about those choices. Things are as they are, no more and no less - as they should be.

However things are, you can change all of it if you want to, one choice at a time. But you don't have to.

4. Listen to yourself. Really listen to the way you speak - to others, about yourself, about others, about everything. Listen to your thoughts too. Your words are telling. What are you saying? All the answers you could ever need are coming out of your own mouth.

Your words are your witness. Love them or be silent.


5. Give yourself what you want from others. Whatever it is you think anyone else can give you, and won't, give to yourself. Allow yourself to have all the pleasure and kindness you desire.

You want what you want, so have it. Go all the way with it and watch what happens.

bibliomancy for venus in aries

'twin souls' all rights reserved d sinclair 2008

"...it is worth going to a little trouble to make a dinner a ritual by attending to the symbolic suggestiveness of the food and the way it is presented and eaten. Without this added dimension, which requires some thought, it may seem that life goes on smoothly, but slowly soul is weakened and can make its presence known only in symptoms."

- Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul


I have to admit I'm impatient. Not just 'won't suffer fools' huffy impatient, but the 'really in a big hurry so move it will you' bratty kind. I'm told this is partly due to being born while Venus was in Aries.

So I'm the type that pursues. Especially in love, yeah - but I'll lose interest if the man of the moment gives too much too soon.

I also can't abide sappiness, I like my men with balls and attitude. 'Just leave the poetry to me' is what I have to say to a guy who talks about 'feelings'.

In fact I'd rather not talk at all.

Lets take a ride on a motor bike, race me in your car. Thrill me if you can. Make me blush with rude jokes and never ask permission to kiss me. Just do it.

Aries is the domain of Mars , the celestial action man. It rules the head but not the mind (which is under Mercury), its symbol is the Ram - so my kind of Venus is drawn to strong faces, thick woolly hair, and, er - horns. Or maybe that's swords? You get what I mean.

I'm sure its Venus in Aries that causes me to swoon over men with tools - the more powerful the better. Don't get me started on the particular effects of a uniform.

As my dear friend Simone once said about how my preferences look, 'big, dumb and beautiful'.

Well, maybe not dumb. After all, the battle is no fun if one's opponent is mismatched. If a man can't raise a laugh then he has no chance of disarming me, and humour takes brain. Having said that, I don't do well under siege.

Venus in Aries may prefer martial and gutsy, but she's still a woman and she wants what she needs. Fiercely passionate and determined as a woman can be - remember this - Aries is the infant of the zodiac, the first sign. Those needs are primal instincts; give me, care for me, protect me.

OK. Venus has gotta eat too but in Aries a girl has no time for a leisurely meal. Just grab it and let's go - inhale it, attack each mouthful, finish victorious and get on with the next task. Food has its purpose, and slow pleasures be damned.

Not exactly the stuff of romance, eh?

For me, having a family has taught the value of becoming still, laying a table and sharing a meal with others. As the children grow it becomes a necessity to draw out any opportunity to talk and listen. Every word they say is a gift, even if they need a gentle reminder to finish their mouthful first.

With as many kids as I have its a logistical challenge to get it together - and far easier to lapse into kitchen eating and snacking at desks. Our dinners are events we work together to achieve, and so we appreciate them all the more.

At the end of a day the little things matter to us - care and attention to details - colour, texture, smell, sound. A thrown together and thrown down meal does happen every now and then, but its never really good for us as a family, or as people.

Food becomes part of our bodies, its value is not just counted in recommended daily units of vitamins and minerals. We all know it by now. 'You Are What You Eat' may be about not 'junking' our bodies -but on another level its about not trashing our lives.

And so, how much of our relationships with each other and the world can be healed - recovered from the trash - through ritual activities like meals?

Now that Venus has moved into Aries, perhaps its time to examine how beauty and pleasure take shape in our daily routines - in all the small ways they can.

Maybe there's room for more courage; some daring new colour or taste or smell that expresses something of - and energises - the soul?

Where there's been impatience there can be a move toward enthusiasm; taking notice of our responses to the efforts of others to please us. Appreciating what is given in love, prepared and made with care.

I for one welcome the idea of putting down weapons and lighting a candle for real intimacy.

As long as I still get that motorbike ride.

the most important thing you need to learn about soul mate love part 2

'kookaburras' all rights reserved d sinclair 2008

"The voice within is what I'm married to. All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage. My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes or no comes from. That's my true partner. Its always there. And to tell you yes when my integrity says no is to divorce that partner." (Byron Katie)